hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
