i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize