remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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