I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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