shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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