the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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