before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
