He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
