I accidentally burped into my bong.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
