Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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