So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
