sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
