Non-Jews are for practice
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
