just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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