So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
