a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
