i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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