I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
