I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
