We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
