How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he laminated a picture of his dick.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You're a waste of cheezeits
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
