I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
