lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
