Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize