last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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