What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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