just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
