Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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