Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
