If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
