White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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