i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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