I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
