Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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