You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
