Swine flu. Run for my life!
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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