i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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