the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
