enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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