cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Who put my cat in the fridge?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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