Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
