Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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