You're my little dorito
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
