my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
