I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
