Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
