I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
