Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
