When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
