i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
