Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize