You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
