I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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