cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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