My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
