True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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