oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
