I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
