I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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