my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
