I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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