Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I need moral support for this bender
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
