so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My dick has a subreddit
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
