Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
