btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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