Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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