I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
