She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
