Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
