Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize