dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
