So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize