i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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