just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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