It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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