Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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