New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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