my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
