found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
